Hi, my name is Lora Winter.
On April 5th at around 7am it was the last time I was able to say my name. It was to a lady on the admissions desk at the Royal Melbourne Hospital. If I truly understood how drastically my life was about to change I wonder if I would have done anything differently in the lead up to that day.
In January 2017 I noticed I had an ulcer under my tongue. No big deal I thought at the time. I was a working mother with two children under the age of 4, we had just started building a house and preparing to put our house on the market the following month. Oh, and to top it off I’d lost my wedding band at the beach a few days before – ulcers were caused by stress, right??
But weeks went by and the ulcer didn’t go away, it seemed to not change at all yet it really was sore when I spoke for long periods of time. We had just sold our house and our eldest son had just celebrated his 5th birthday so I decided, with the encouragement of my husband, Paul, to go to the GP and just have it looked at. Wednesday was a non-work day for me, so off I went. It was then on March 15th with my 5-year-old on a seat next to me and my 2-year-old on my knee that my GP blurted out “that looks like form of cancer to me, I want you to see a specialist straight away”. The specialist confirmed I had cancer and whilst we hoped for stage I the biopsy confirmed stage IV.
Two weeks later, the day of the operation to remove my stage IV tumour was my easiest day, but it was the hardest day for Paul, my parents, my siblings and Paul’s family. It was a 14 hour operation where 2/3s of my tongue along with the floor of my mouth was removed, a free-form flap was created from my left inner forearm, including removing a vein and artery and a skin graft taken from my left thigh. My lower right teeth were all removed along with 5mm of my right jaw.
I am a bit of a patch work girl now. Made up of bits and pieces. And I don’t mind too much, it means I’m alive.
Every day since I had the operation, I had set myself a goal. I had to do one thing every day. I started simple like I had to get up out of bed. Then I had to make sure I showered and dressed. I had to go for a walk. I think when you stop having a focus it sets you back. And there was no way I was going backwards. It was forward all the way now.
It had been 22 days since I’d seen my boys as I didn’t want them to see me in hospital with the trache. But then after 22 days, I got the trache out. What a day that was. And how easy that was go come out and how amazing and weird it felt.
I messaged Paul and said after you finish work, pack the boys up and bring them in. And in they came. James who was 2.5 at the time simply came in and said “Mum! Where have you been?! Are you better now?” And he climbed up onto the bed and onto my lap, he couldn’t care and almost felt like he couldn’t see the tubes and wires at all. He was just happy to see me. Sam being 5 was different, he was hesitant to come close, he could see I was battered and broken. He was not wanting to touch me, you could see he was fearful he’d hurt me. He was confused. He was also tired as it was 6.30pm by the time they came into the hospital. But it was the best to see them. And it was the best to be able to assure them I’d be home soon.
It would be easy to feel sorry for myself, it would be easy for people to feel sorry for me. But don’t. Give me compassion, give me time to do things as they do take me a little longer. But you don’t need to feel sorry for me. I am actually very lucky. In the last 18 months, I have reaffirmed what I have always valued and enjoyed. My family has always been my number one priority and whilst people have told me I am brave, inspiring or amazing, I don’t think so. I am almost certain anyone who’d face this challenge would do it the way I have. You do whatever it takes to be here with your kids, to be here with the love of your life. There is nothing good about cancer. It’s a lie to say there is. I wouldn’t ever choose to be in this situation but I am, what I can choose though is to find the positives. To focus on them. To find the happiness and the laughter and focus on that. I have always believed that life is what you make it. People don’t make you happy, situations don’t make you happy, you find the happiness in people and situations. So I have carried that forward with me during this whole utterly bizarre and surreal experience of cancer.
Walk With Me 